I've always considered myself a music lover. It doesn't mean I have good taste in music. One friend of mine once called me a 'Top40 girl'. I admit it shamelessly. I listen to basically all type of music. I am always attracted by the lyric of a song first. Some of you might call me cynical. I believe many cynical people were once very idealistic and romantic. What can possible touch a romantic person deeply as those love songs?!
"Twelfth of Never" by Johnny Mathis
Chinese say when it comes to love song, older the better. This is such an old song. Like old fashion love songs, old fashion love is rare as dinosaurs nowadays. 'Till death do us apart' has been replaced by 'Till I-don't-love-you-anymore do us apart'. Old love songs are more like poems. Opposite to some of the modern love songs, there is no guts spilling all over the floor, no anger, no fear or tears. Just soft, tender, mendering feeling called love lingers on till the end of time. Life is complicated enough. Love doesn't have to be.
...
You ask how long I'll love you
I'll tell you true
Until the twelfth of never
I'll still be loving you
Until the twelfth of never
And that's a long long time ...
"I Can't Stop Loving You" by Ray Charles
Have you seen the Japanese animation movie "Metropolis"? At the very end of the movie, with the entire metro city being destroyed around him, the boy finally had to let go the hand of the robot girl. Backgrounded with all the huge sound of explosions and crashing he watched her falling, falling away in a slow motion. Suddenly this song came up. I stopped breathing for a second and then the tears rushed out. I still cannot think of a better song for that scene. There are so many movies and songs about memories. In Harrison Ford's old movie 'Bladerunner', after the robots were fed with fake memories of home, family and childhood they started to believe they were real people. What we do at this moment will become the memory of the next moment. Sometimes I feel memories is all we have. Without it we are just lost. The meaning of life that we have been looking for so hard and so long might not live in the existence of heaven or hell or afterlife. It could be just in these little pieces of memories that made us laugh and cry, that's made us who we are, that is yesterday, today and tomorrow, that shine like diamonds forever and ever. (By the way, 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind' is one of my favorite movies. Check it out. It has something to do with memory too :P).
...
Those happy hours that we once knew
Tho' long ago, they still make me blue
They say that time heals a broken heart
But time has stood still since we've been apart
I can't stop loving you
I've made up my mind
To live in memories of the lonesome times
I can't stop wanting you
It's useless to say
So I'll just live my life in dreams of yesterday
...
"Wonderful Tonight" by Eric Clapton
Why do all the fairytales end with 'lived happily ever after"? Because after the dream wedding life goes on. It will be cooking, cleaning, bills paying, money saving, babies screaming, fighting and nerve stepping, sagging and balding, sickness and dying. Love has to survive all these day in and day out until death do so apart. As long as you keep your spirit high and expectation low it actually not as bad as it sounds like. Someday when you look back you would think it is not that bad after all. Just keep it real.
...
It's time to go home now and I've got an aching head
So I give her the car keys and she helps me to bed.
And then I tell her, as I turn out the light,
I say, "My darling, you were wonderful tonight.
Oh my darling, you were wonderful tonight."
...
more to come...
Friday, November 04, 2005
Tennis, Oh My
Last night I had my last tennis class (beginner level of course). Even though I ranked at the bottom of the class I would still like to pat myself on the shoulder. It was the first course that I finished without missing one single class. On my course report my instructor wrote something like this: ’Vivi, you need to be more patient with tennis, steadier, and less emotional…’ For a moment I thought he was talking about my life not my tennis skills :P I know all too well, either way, he nailed me right there.
There were 4 people in my class. Everyone was left handed except me. At the end I was pretty tired of getting hit on the backhand side constantly. Tennis is so much fun. It ends up pretty high on my fun list, maybe after books, maybe after music too, ok, after shopping as well :P I had not played any sports until this class. I never liked sports especially competitive sports. I don’t like to compete. Maybe I am just afraid to lose. I am that kind of people who like to exercise the big part of the brain much more than the small part of it. Tennis is not an easy sport. It is much harder than it looks like. I am usually out of breath after 20 minutes game play. I know I am out of shape, but still, it is hard to imagine that the pro players have to play for hours for a game. I am going to take the next level course next week. Hopefully there won’t be so many left handed people in the class. I know it’s a good practice, but enough is enough :P Hopefully someday I can play a real game. My biggest problem right now is to find someone to play with me, someone who is just as bad :) Somebody? Anybody?!
I've moved some of my old posts from another blog here. They were all posted at once and the order was a bit messed up. It might seem confusing, sorry. From now on this will be the only blog I update.
Relationship myth busting
This article is from lifestyle@msn written by Ambrose Diaz, and I strongly recommend it.
Relationship myth busting
What kind of standards do you hold your relationship up to? Generally we have instincts that tell us whether we're in a positive relationship or not, but a lot of people live by some rather misguided perceptions of what a healthy relationship is. These relationship myths are quite pervasive in our culture and have been passed down for years. Let's take this opportunity to clear the air and do some relationship 'myth busting'.
Love is enough
Oooh, we're starting with a biggie. I'm a hopeless (helpless / hapless) romantic myself. It would be really nice if this one were true. We'd like to think that the love between two people can surmount all kinds of odds and obstacles, but there are severe limitations to that kind of thinking. In the real world, where I sometimes live, differences about things like: money, family, long-term goals, kids (the list could go on a lot longer) can be deal-breakers. External forces have a huge impact on our lives. To dismiss them is to be naive. While love can definitely help you get through some things, it's not enough in and of itself.
Your partner should be your best friend
One question - WHY? Your best friend should be your best friend; your DOG should be your best friend. Your partner should be your partner. That doesn't mean that there's no intimacy between the two of you. It doesn't mean that you can't share. It just means that you have a different relationship than you do with everyone else. That's a good thing. Best friends exist so you can complain to them about your partner. If your best friend and partner are the same person, you've got a bit of a problem on your hands.
A healthy couple doesn't fight
Show me a couple that doesn't fight and I'll show you a ticking time bomb. Fighting is healthy. Remember, it's not IF you fight - it's HOW you fight that is important. Arguments are differences of opinion. These differences make us unique and resolving a fight is how we continue to learn about each other. And let's not forget about make-up sex. Although, don't do what I once did and tell your partner that you're "really looking forward to the make-up sex" in the middle of an argument.
If you're in love, you won't find others attractive
This one makes me howl with laughter, but it's amazing how many people believe it - or at least say that they believe it. Look, being in love with someone doesn't mean that you suddenly go blind to beauty. Appreciating someone else's beauty does not equal wanting to be with them. As long as you're not making your partner feel inadequate, there's nothing wrong with pointing out someone else's attractiveness.
A healthy relationship has nothing to do with sex
Sex is incredibly important in a relationship. While the frequency of sex does tend to dwindle over time in a long-term relationship, the intimacy that comes from sex is hard to match. In this case, we don't have to limit the term 'sex' to mean 'intercourse'. A display of affection in the form of kissing, touching, etc. is matchless in making us feel loved and secure. Also, sex is fun - you heard it here first!
A good couple should be interested in the same things
It's important to have some similar interests. But, it's just as important to have different interests that you can take part in separately. Don't try to make yourself like something just because your partner likes it. Faking it will lead to resentment and problems down the line. Personally, I can't help but think about all the money I wasted on those ballroom dancing lessons - yeesh!
I'll be happy once he/she changes
This is one of the biggest relationship myths around. A partner is NOT a project. The only thing you can change is yourself. Being involved with someone you would like to fundamentally change is a dead end street. Ask yourself this: "If I want this person to change who they are, then why am I with them in the first place?" No one is perfect. You should make a point of accepting your partner's flaws and focus instead on celebrating what you admire and respect about them.
Keep myth bustingIt takes courage and commitment to be involved in a relationship. Don't go jeopardizing a good thing by adhering to a false set of hand-me-down standards.
Relationship myth busting
What kind of standards do you hold your relationship up to? Generally we have instincts that tell us whether we're in a positive relationship or not, but a lot of people live by some rather misguided perceptions of what a healthy relationship is. These relationship myths are quite pervasive in our culture and have been passed down for years. Let's take this opportunity to clear the air and do some relationship 'myth busting'.
Love is enough
Oooh, we're starting with a biggie. I'm a hopeless (helpless / hapless) romantic myself. It would be really nice if this one were true. We'd like to think that the love between two people can surmount all kinds of odds and obstacles, but there are severe limitations to that kind of thinking. In the real world, where I sometimes live, differences about things like: money, family, long-term goals, kids (the list could go on a lot longer) can be deal-breakers. External forces have a huge impact on our lives. To dismiss them is to be naive. While love can definitely help you get through some things, it's not enough in and of itself.
Your partner should be your best friend
One question - WHY? Your best friend should be your best friend; your DOG should be your best friend. Your partner should be your partner. That doesn't mean that there's no intimacy between the two of you. It doesn't mean that you can't share. It just means that you have a different relationship than you do with everyone else. That's a good thing. Best friends exist so you can complain to them about your partner. If your best friend and partner are the same person, you've got a bit of a problem on your hands.
A healthy couple doesn't fight
Show me a couple that doesn't fight and I'll show you a ticking time bomb. Fighting is healthy. Remember, it's not IF you fight - it's HOW you fight that is important. Arguments are differences of opinion. These differences make us unique and resolving a fight is how we continue to learn about each other. And let's not forget about make-up sex. Although, don't do what I once did and tell your partner that you're "really looking forward to the make-up sex" in the middle of an argument.
If you're in love, you won't find others attractive
This one makes me howl with laughter, but it's amazing how many people believe it - or at least say that they believe it. Look, being in love with someone doesn't mean that you suddenly go blind to beauty. Appreciating someone else's beauty does not equal wanting to be with them. As long as you're not making your partner feel inadequate, there's nothing wrong with pointing out someone else's attractiveness.
A healthy relationship has nothing to do with sex
Sex is incredibly important in a relationship. While the frequency of sex does tend to dwindle over time in a long-term relationship, the intimacy that comes from sex is hard to match. In this case, we don't have to limit the term 'sex' to mean 'intercourse'. A display of affection in the form of kissing, touching, etc. is matchless in making us feel loved and secure. Also, sex is fun - you heard it here first!
A good couple should be interested in the same things
It's important to have some similar interests. But, it's just as important to have different interests that you can take part in separately. Don't try to make yourself like something just because your partner likes it. Faking it will lead to resentment and problems down the line. Personally, I can't help but think about all the money I wasted on those ballroom dancing lessons - yeesh!
I'll be happy once he/she changes
This is one of the biggest relationship myths around. A partner is NOT a project. The only thing you can change is yourself. Being involved with someone you would like to fundamentally change is a dead end street. Ask yourself this: "If I want this person to change who they are, then why am I with them in the first place?" No one is perfect. You should make a point of accepting your partner's flaws and focus instead on celebrating what you admire and respect about them.
Keep myth bustingIt takes courage and commitment to be involved in a relationship. Don't go jeopardizing a good thing by adhering to a false set of hand-me-down standards.
War of one person
Some people say that time heals all the wounds. Does it really? Time puts layers and layers of dust on top and puts it at the little corner away from the sun. It is buried so deep that you forget it was ever there. Like some old arthritis, the knee that was hurt badly 20 years ago, 20 years later on a rainy day it keeps you awake through the night. Have you ever cried through the night till the sun comes up? If you haven't, I don't think I even want to talk to you because there is no way you could possibly understand life. I don't believe in suffering. If you don't have to suffer, don't ask for it. Those 'suffering builds character' crap is something to make you feel better when you are actually suffering. Happiness raises kind and healthy people. Suffering usually makes people narrow, bitter and harsh, of course unless it is a saint. You probably already know by now that you are not, neither am I!
I am tired of hearing 'people change'. I don't think we do. We have seen, heard, done more. We know the rules of the game better. We change behaviors, but we don't change characters. When I hear someone say, 'He/she has changed so much, like a different person, someone I no longer know'. I can only say, 'Poor thing. You probably didn't know he/she at the first place. You only thought you did'. Something too good to be true is probably not true. Someone not good enough now probably would only get worse. How long does it take to truly know someone? couple of months? couple of years? a life time? Good luck!
I have a secret. I am not a very happy person. It is not that I am unhappy. It is just not happy. (confused yet?!). I struggle too much, like a never ending battle, by myself, with myself. Maybe I need a religion. Barb, if you are trying to convert me, this is really not a good time Now you have it. Would you still be my friend?
p.s. I've started reading Graham Greene's, the guy who wrote The End of the Affair, The Quiet American... I will let you know how it goes.
I am tired of hearing 'people change'. I don't think we do. We have seen, heard, done more. We know the rules of the game better. We change behaviors, but we don't change characters. When I hear someone say, 'He/she has changed so much, like a different person, someone I no longer know'. I can only say, 'Poor thing. You probably didn't know he/she at the first place. You only thought you did'. Something too good to be true is probably not true. Someone not good enough now probably would only get worse. How long does it take to truly know someone? couple of months? couple of years? a life time? Good luck!
I have a secret. I am not a very happy person. It is not that I am unhappy. It is just not happy. (confused yet?!). I struggle too much, like a never ending battle, by myself, with myself. Maybe I need a religion. Barb, if you are trying to convert me, this is really not a good time Now you have it. Would you still be my friend?
p.s. I've started reading Graham Greene's, the guy who wrote The End of the Affair, The Quiet American... I will let you know how it goes.
As soon as we start thinking, God starts laughing
Finally I have my internet back. Finally my body and soul are reconnected. If you are reading this, you probably know what I am talking about.
I walked around downtown Victoria over the weekend. The little early morning rain washed the sky to a color of crystal blue. The bright sunshine danced on the water of the inner harbor. I sat outside of a coffee shop drinking milk (yeah I have a record of ordering milk in a bar :P) watching people walking, listening to them speaking English, Japanese, Chinese and some only-god-knows languages. There was lion dance in China Town. It was one of the moment that I felt so odd to be a Chinese. People here are nuts about three things, fitness, Starbuks, and dogs. It is like a never ending holiday. Sometimes when there is lots of happiness and excitement around, I get this feeling of stepping outside of my own life and watching it go on like it is someone else's.
I've got the library card. It is one of the first couple things I get every time I move to a new city. it gives me the peace of mind. Some people keep drinking, eating or playing video games to escape reality, but for me I read. No matter how I feel, sad, lonely or down, when I pick up a book and start reading I am no longer here. It is the best deal ever. After finish a book someone's whole life's wisdom is yours, and it is free!!! My stuff is still not here yet. I wouldn't be so surprised if they ended up somewhere in Africa. Some people think I am a material girl. I bet I live better than lot of you with absolutely minimum material.
A friend called me over the weekend and asked me the meaning of life. Gee, this is one of the concepts same as 'true love' that is so overrated. Why does everything have to have a meaning? So I said what if there was no meaning of life after all. She thought it was too horrifying to believe. No kidding, what do you think we've invented religions for?! If you are really concerned, go find yourself a religion. Just pick one, anyone, since each one of them offers answers to all the questions. You no longer need to think because everything has been thought for you. That's why I often feel religions people are lucky. Maybe I will be religious someday, but not now, not yet. If I was told that I came from dust and I would go back to dust and the rest of the world goes on, I would say I'd like that alot. Letting go is so ever hard. We need to find meaning for our existence. We need to be loved, to be remembered, and our last name and blood line need to be passed on. But Why?! We came to this world alone. We cried out lungs out because it wasn't our choice. Buddha said life was birth, aging, sickness, death and it is a big illusion (this old man was a pretty nice guy and had lots of interest ideas :P). At the end we leave this world alone. In between we play a long or short drama. The best actor is the one who knows when to take a bow and leave the stage.
Don't worry, be happy! In the end everything will be fine. If it is not fine, it is not the end yet.
I walked around downtown Victoria over the weekend. The little early morning rain washed the sky to a color of crystal blue. The bright sunshine danced on the water of the inner harbor. I sat outside of a coffee shop drinking milk (yeah I have a record of ordering milk in a bar :P) watching people walking, listening to them speaking English, Japanese, Chinese and some only-god-knows languages. There was lion dance in China Town. It was one of the moment that I felt so odd to be a Chinese. People here are nuts about three things, fitness, Starbuks, and dogs. It is like a never ending holiday. Sometimes when there is lots of happiness and excitement around, I get this feeling of stepping outside of my own life and watching it go on like it is someone else's.
I've got the library card. It is one of the first couple things I get every time I move to a new city. it gives me the peace of mind. Some people keep drinking, eating or playing video games to escape reality, but for me I read. No matter how I feel, sad, lonely or down, when I pick up a book and start reading I am no longer here. It is the best deal ever. After finish a book someone's whole life's wisdom is yours, and it is free!!! My stuff is still not here yet. I wouldn't be so surprised if they ended up somewhere in Africa. Some people think I am a material girl. I bet I live better than lot of you with absolutely minimum material.
A friend called me over the weekend and asked me the meaning of life. Gee, this is one of the concepts same as 'true love' that is so overrated. Why does everything have to have a meaning? So I said what if there was no meaning of life after all. She thought it was too horrifying to believe. No kidding, what do you think we've invented religions for?! If you are really concerned, go find yourself a religion. Just pick one, anyone, since each one of them offers answers to all the questions. You no longer need to think because everything has been thought for you. That's why I often feel religions people are lucky. Maybe I will be religious someday, but not now, not yet. If I was told that I came from dust and I would go back to dust and the rest of the world goes on, I would say I'd like that alot. Letting go is so ever hard. We need to find meaning for our existence. We need to be loved, to be remembered, and our last name and blood line need to be passed on. But Why?! We came to this world alone. We cried out lungs out because it wasn't our choice. Buddha said life was birth, aging, sickness, death and it is a big illusion (this old man was a pretty nice guy and had lots of interest ideas :P). At the end we leave this world alone. In between we play a long or short drama. The best actor is the one who knows when to take a bow and leave the stage.
Don't worry, be happy! In the end everything will be fine. If it is not fine, it is not the end yet.
How The Years Go By
I have to admit that I am getting a little sentimental since I am leaving in a week, leaving this city where I've spent the last 7 years of my life. Chinese say life goes by as fast as snapping your fingers. I still remember that first time I saw it seven years ago. I flew 5 hours on a North West flight to get here late at night. After some troubles with the immigration I stepped out of the airport after midnight with three giant pieces of luggage. Someone from the international student office dropped me off at this residence place of a church. The whole place was dark and quite since it was during the summer vacation. The room I took was not much bigger than someone's walk-in closet. I sat in the dark on the luggage feeling extremely exhausted and lonely. Then I started to cry, for an hour. When I had no more energy left to cry any longer I decided to call my dad who almost had an heart attach waiting and worrying about me. I remember I had to fight the tears so hard on the phone because I didn't want him to worry.
Then it was the first winter. Honestly for people who are not born in Canada especially in Saskatchewan, the winter is brutal. During the first semester after I calculated that I had enough for 50% for every courses I decided I should stop going to classes. I stayed in my room like a hibernating bear. I still remember the first night I saw snow. It was an usual quite and long night. I was sitting beside the window in the dark. My window was facing the small cozy backyard, and there was a lamp right outside. Snow started coming down. It was falling silently in the dim yellow light. Sometime when there was wind it looked like it was dancing with the light. It remained me of the 'fogy willows' around the Forbidden City. I couldn't breath for a second. I felt the world around me was standing still. The feeling was almost intoxicating. I knew I would never be able to forget that moment.
I've met some very special people during these years who have left footprints in my life. Some memories are happy and sweet, and some are heart breaking, but I know if I could turn back time I would make the same decisions because with any of the steps missing I wouldn't be who I am today. I have been given advices and warnings about my future, personal and professional. Thank you all, but I think I will be just fine. I often feel optimism is overrated. I'd like to see the world exactly the way it is. There is nothing you can throw at me that I haven't already heard. The 'glass man' in the French movie 'Amelie' once said, 'Your bones are not made of glass. You can take couple of knocks of life'. I seek nothing but truth. I am not saying I can handle all of it. All I am saying is I am trying my best.
Then it was the first winter. Honestly for people who are not born in Canada especially in Saskatchewan, the winter is brutal. During the first semester after I calculated that I had enough for 50% for every courses I decided I should stop going to classes. I stayed in my room like a hibernating bear. I still remember the first night I saw snow. It was an usual quite and long night. I was sitting beside the window in the dark. My window was facing the small cozy backyard, and there was a lamp right outside. Snow started coming down. It was falling silently in the dim yellow light. Sometime when there was wind it looked like it was dancing with the light. It remained me of the 'fogy willows' around the Forbidden City. I couldn't breath for a second. I felt the world around me was standing still. The feeling was almost intoxicating. I knew I would never be able to forget that moment.
I've met some very special people during these years who have left footprints in my life. Some memories are happy and sweet, and some are heart breaking, but I know if I could turn back time I would make the same decisions because with any of the steps missing I wouldn't be who I am today. I have been given advices and warnings about my future, personal and professional. Thank you all, but I think I will be just fine. I often feel optimism is overrated. I'd like to see the world exactly the way it is. There is nothing you can throw at me that I haven't already heard. The 'glass man' in the French movie 'Amelie' once said, 'Your bones are not made of glass. You can take couple of knocks of life'. I seek nothing but truth. I am not saying I can handle all of it. All I am saying is I am trying my best.
Thank God for HBO
Sex and the City
My all time favorite show. It is a story about four aging women going through daily struggle in one of the most fascinating city in the world. I don't think the show is about the sex or the city, not even about love. It is about friendship, which makes this miserable life more bearable. You could be living in the greatest city, having the greatest sex, but if you don't have friends whom you can wake up 2 in the morning to talk, whom love you for who you are even though they know the fact that you are a big loser, then you know you are really fucked up. Ideally family is place for love, but it is not necessarily the place where you could friendship. Compare to love, friendship is more light-weight with less strings attached. Consider yourself really lucky if you have real friends in your family.
Angles in America
This show has the magical-realism style, good story and great acting. As the name suggests there are angles in the story as well as devils. What really touches me deeply is the character Lou, the human. He abandoned his sick lover but gave in to love at the end. He is confused, vulnerable, selfish and weak. Each of these defects reminds me of real human, like you and me. Is there heaven or hell? What are they like? Who cares! They could be just like, say, San Francisco!
Six Feet Under
This is a story about a dysfunctional family (well, which family is not dysfunctional?!) that owns a funeral house business. Everyone was born, raised and lives day in and day out life around death. Everyone is messed up in an unique way, dark sense of humor and disturbing, my favorite flavor. The character I like the most is the youngest kid, the teenage daughter. It is so painful to watch her life like most of the teenager's life. Memory serves as a filter of wonder. I often hear people say how happy and worry-free those young days were. Bullshit! Those were the years of being confused, angry, misunderstood, unappreciated, vulnerable, extremely sensitive, poor, powerless and lonely. If none of these applied to you, I wonder if you were really young once. I personally wouldn't want to live those years ever again. It is funny that for some of the older (not necessarily wiser) people when they talk about/treat the younger generation they sound/act like they were never young before, such a shame!
it is ture that we have to pay extra for it, but thank God for HBO!
My all time favorite show. It is a story about four aging women going through daily struggle in one of the most fascinating city in the world. I don't think the show is about the sex or the city, not even about love. It is about friendship, which makes this miserable life more bearable. You could be living in the greatest city, having the greatest sex, but if you don't have friends whom you can wake up 2 in the morning to talk, whom love you for who you are even though they know the fact that you are a big loser, then you know you are really fucked up. Ideally family is place for love, but it is not necessarily the place where you could friendship. Compare to love, friendship is more light-weight with less strings attached. Consider yourself really lucky if you have real friends in your family.
Angles in America
This show has the magical-realism style, good story and great acting. As the name suggests there are angles in the story as well as devils. What really touches me deeply is the character Lou, the human. He abandoned his sick lover but gave in to love at the end. He is confused, vulnerable, selfish and weak. Each of these defects reminds me of real human, like you and me. Is there heaven or hell? What are they like? Who cares! They could be just like, say, San Francisco!
Six Feet Under
This is a story about a dysfunctional family (well, which family is not dysfunctional?!) that owns a funeral house business. Everyone was born, raised and lives day in and day out life around death. Everyone is messed up in an unique way, dark sense of humor and disturbing, my favorite flavor. The character I like the most is the youngest kid, the teenage daughter. It is so painful to watch her life like most of the teenager's life. Memory serves as a filter of wonder. I often hear people say how happy and worry-free those young days were. Bullshit! Those were the years of being confused, angry, misunderstood, unappreciated, vulnerable, extremely sensitive, poor, powerless and lonely. If none of these applied to you, I wonder if you were really young once. I personally wouldn't want to live those years ever again. It is funny that for some of the older (not necessarily wiser) people when they talk about/treat the younger generation they sound/act like they were never young before, such a shame!
it is ture that we have to pay extra for it, but thank God for HBO!
A house doesn't make a home
I took a walk after work along the river. What a beautiful city Saskatoon is in the summer, peaceful and green, like a young country girl, shy and lovely, hiding in the little corner of the world. I often feel I don't give this place enough credits. The cruel reality is in couple of months it will start snowing again. Then it will turn into this middle age woman with all the makeup washed off, cold and depressing. More beautiful it is, shorter it lasts. Sounds like life, doesn't it?!
I am moving again. It seems saying good-bye is what I have been doing in the last 10 years. I have moved from city to city, country to country, continent to continent. I have met many great people. Some of them have become very good friends of mine. Have you noticed that life is much more bearable when there are friends? near or far. I've learnt some precious lessons, most of them in a hard way. I often feel moving on. I don't know what I am looking for, home maybe? What is your definition of home? Some people say it is where your loved ones is. Have you ever felt lonely at home or when you are surrounded by people? Homeland is just the place where your ancestors last settled.
What would you wish for if you were granted one and only one wish? Lots of love? Lots of money? Health? On top of basic human needs like water, air, food and shelter, people need to feel they belong to something. People also need to feel free. I don't remember when was the last time I felt free. I guess as long as we have this physical body we can’t be free. Sometimes when I stare at the blue and unlimited autumn sky I wish I could fly, fly away. If I were granted only one wish, I wish to be fearless. Buddha said fear came from love. When you love something or someone too much, you fear to lose it. Stop loving doesn't seem it is the right solution either. On the other hand, love is one of most overrated things, so is talking about it. The only thing certain about love is it will end. We need whole lot more than love to live on. I'd better get some rest. I can see my cynicism is stirring up :P
Hey, for those of you who actually read this nonsense, you know you can leave comments too :P I probably will move again and again, but I will keep this little cyberspace. This way you will always be part of my life, and I will be part of yours.
I am moving again. It seems saying good-bye is what I have been doing in the last 10 years. I have moved from city to city, country to country, continent to continent. I have met many great people. Some of them have become very good friends of mine. Have you noticed that life is much more bearable when there are friends? near or far. I've learnt some precious lessons, most of them in a hard way. I often feel moving on. I don't know what I am looking for, home maybe? What is your definition of home? Some people say it is where your loved ones is. Have you ever felt lonely at home or when you are surrounded by people? Homeland is just the place where your ancestors last settled.
What would you wish for if you were granted one and only one wish? Lots of love? Lots of money? Health? On top of basic human needs like water, air, food and shelter, people need to feel they belong to something. People also need to feel free. I don't remember when was the last time I felt free. I guess as long as we have this physical body we can’t be free. Sometimes when I stare at the blue and unlimited autumn sky I wish I could fly, fly away. If I were granted only one wish, I wish to be fearless. Buddha said fear came from love. When you love something or someone too much, you fear to lose it. Stop loving doesn't seem it is the right solution either. On the other hand, love is one of most overrated things, so is talking about it. The only thing certain about love is it will end. We need whole lot more than love to live on. I'd better get some rest. I can see my cynicism is stirring up :P
Hey, for those of you who actually read this nonsense, you know you can leave comments too :P I probably will move again and again, but I will keep this little cyberspace. This way you will always be part of my life, and I will be part of yours.
Complete?
Years ago I went for a motorcycle ride with a friend in Toronto. I was told to relax my body and turn with the bike. The curves were smooth as silk, cool wind blowing in my face and in my hair. For a moment I closed my eyes thinking it would be just fine if I died then and there. I told Logan about it, and he said, 'You know Vivi, you are a romantic person'. I denied it straight because I felt nowadays being romantic was the same as being weak.
Last weekend when I was reading a third class romantic story online I couldn't stop crying. It wasn't about the plots or the 'tear gas' like words. I knew I was crying my own tears in other people's stories. Suddenly I realized that I was this hopelessly romantic person and I had always been. It was depressing. Underneath all the sarcasm, cynicism, and bitterness, this little unrealistic flame has managed to survive and refused to die after all these years. The sudden sorrow was from realizing that it was too late, and I would never find what I had been looking for, never! The ending of the story was written long time ago. We can't go back anymore.
Look around, there are many people who seem happy. They go to work, play games, get married, buy a house, make babies, on and on, day in and day out. Compromise is nothing new. Why is that so hard for some people to completely give in to life? Why is that one moment you feel you are on top of all games, and another moment when you walk in a busy intersection suddenly you feel you've forgotten something, something very important, and you don't know what it is.
I wonder how it feels like to be complete, and I am not sure what has been missing.
Last weekend when I was reading a third class romantic story online I couldn't stop crying. It wasn't about the plots or the 'tear gas' like words. I knew I was crying my own tears in other people's stories. Suddenly I realized that I was this hopelessly romantic person and I had always been. It was depressing. Underneath all the sarcasm, cynicism, and bitterness, this little unrealistic flame has managed to survive and refused to die after all these years. The sudden sorrow was from realizing that it was too late, and I would never find what I had been looking for, never! The ending of the story was written long time ago. We can't go back anymore.
Look around, there are many people who seem happy. They go to work, play games, get married, buy a house, make babies, on and on, day in and day out. Compromise is nothing new. Why is that so hard for some people to completely give in to life? Why is that one moment you feel you are on top of all games, and another moment when you walk in a busy intersection suddenly you feel you've forgotten something, something very important, and you don't know what it is.
I wonder how it feels like to be complete, and I am not sure what has been missing.
Time of your life
It’s been raining badly since yesterday in the city, which I’ve lived in for the last 7 years. It almost rains as much as the west coast since last year. The summer time in this town is as precious and as short as the youth. Before you have a chance to enjoy it, you realize there is only one week left.
I haven’t been able to sleep well for a while. I blame on the jetlag. It always feels better when you have something or someone to blame :P I love having choices without having to make decisions. I hate those ‘to be or not to be’ moments. Sadly it seems we just can’t get away from those moments. For every move we make there are always strings attached. We are worried maybe even scared. Am I making the wrong decision? Would I regret later? Is the opportunity cost too high? What would I be missing? Familiarity is comforting. It takes lots of guts to make a change like moving to a new city or even a new country, getting a new job, getting married or divorced…
Just remember in the end it’s right. If it is not right, it is not the end yet :P
“Another turning point, a fork stuck in the roadTime grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to goSo make the best of this test, and don't ask whyIt's not a question, but a lesson learned in time
So take the photographs, and still frames in your mindHang it on a shelf in good health and good timeTattoos of memories and dead skin on trialFor what it's worth it was worth all the whileIt's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right. I hope you had the time of your life.
…”
I haven’t been able to sleep well for a while. I blame on the jetlag. It always feels better when you have something or someone to blame :P I love having choices without having to make decisions. I hate those ‘to be or not to be’ moments. Sadly it seems we just can’t get away from those moments. For every move we make there are always strings attached. We are worried maybe even scared. Am I making the wrong decision? Would I regret later? Is the opportunity cost too high? What would I be missing? Familiarity is comforting. It takes lots of guts to make a change like moving to a new city or even a new country, getting a new job, getting married or divorced…
Just remember in the end it’s right. If it is not right, it is not the end yet :P
“Another turning point, a fork stuck in the roadTime grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to goSo make the best of this test, and don't ask whyIt's not a question, but a lesson learned in time
So take the photographs, and still frames in your mindHang it on a shelf in good health and good timeTattoos of memories and dead skin on trialFor what it's worth it was worth all the whileIt's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right. I hope you had the time of your life.
…”
Storm in a tea cup
Finally worked up some guts to start writing this blog thing. My English is not so good, so guess you just have to put up with it (since you are reading it anyway)!
This is good. I am talking without knowing who I am talking to. In this little imaginary world, my blog, I am the queen like the queen Alice met in the Wonderland, I can scream ‘head off’ anytime I want, to whoever I want. No wonder this is addictive :P
I am reading this book called Jane Austen’s Book Club (I usually read more than one book at a time. I can switch between Jane Austen’s and Ellery Queen’s freely. Yes I know, I am multitasking!). Miss Austen would be laughing her head off that after so many years women are still worried about the same thing – man, The Man. Is he the one? Is he not the one? Do I want a good provider or a ‘core shaker’? You know, Miss Austen, even though we have something called The Internet nowaday, sometimes a woman/man’s world is not a whole lot bigger than your tiny little tea cup.
This is good. I am talking without knowing who I am talking to. In this little imaginary world, my blog, I am the queen like the queen Alice met in the Wonderland, I can scream ‘head off’ anytime I want, to whoever I want. No wonder this is addictive :P
I am reading this book called Jane Austen’s Book Club (I usually read more than one book at a time. I can switch between Jane Austen’s and Ellery Queen’s freely. Yes I know, I am multitasking!). Miss Austen would be laughing her head off that after so many years women are still worried about the same thing – man, The Man. Is he the one? Is he not the one? Do I want a good provider or a ‘core shaker’? You know, Miss Austen, even though we have something called The Internet nowaday, sometimes a woman/man’s world is not a whole lot bigger than your tiny little tea cup.
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