The Story of V - Part 2

 

When V was only a 7 weeks old fetus I had a bleeding episode. It wasn't the normal spotting. It was the fresh blood gushing  bleeding. I remember I sat at the edge of the bed waiting for the nurse to call me back. There was only one thought going through my mind, "I've lost it'. I was pretty calm. At that point that whole pregnancy, parenting thing hadn't set in yet.

Next day I went for an emergency ultrasound. I was lying on the table not being able to see anything. In the middle of nowhere the technician turned the speaker on. Suddenly the small dark room was filling with a loud rushing-whooshing sound. I was puzzled for a second and then I realized it was the sound of the heart beat. I had to fight the tears so hard while the technician was still in the room. I was utterly grateful at that moment. She was a little trooper. She was holding on so tight. I knew it was her way of telling me ' mommy, I am still here'...

I have been a lucky person my entire life, not the winning the lottery type of luck, but I somehow always manage to get that little bit last minute luck. 

I didn't bond with V at the first. E and my mom fell head over heels in love with her at the first sight. I've been struggling with postpartum complications. It's getting much better now, but I am still not free from it yet. For a while my blood pressure was 200/100, my blood sugar level was all over the place, and my thyroid hormones was off the chart, which sent my anxiety level and my temper through the roof. But you should never ever underestimate evolution! When the motherly love comes, it comes in full force.

I often wonder what I have done to deserve a baby like V. To me she is simply perfect, exceeding my expectation in every way. You might think I sound shameless. I think I just got lucky :)


tbc...

The Story of V - Part 1

I have been a lazy mom. Other than quoting poet, posting pictures, I haven't written any post about my baby girl. She is 7-month old today. So here, the compressed version...

The Story of V

The summer one year before Vienna was born I was walking around in Vienna, Austria by myself. The city was so dear to me for so many reasons, and I also noticed it had such a beautiful sounding name...

Vienna was born on Canada Day, 12 days before her due date. She seemed to be making a statement of her Canadian root. The United States is her birth place, Canada is her father's, and China is her mother's. She is a lucky girl. She was born with so much love already. I hope in her heart there is a special place for each of these great counties.

When she was in my tummy, I always thought she was a boy (talking about mother's instinct), because she would not stop jumping. Actually she didn't even stop when we were at the birthing center, which was the reason I had to get c-section. It was proven to be the right decision because when I was cut open half of her foot was already outside of my cervix.

Parenthood is something that no matter how prepared you think you are, it will still hit you like tons of bricks. At some most depressing, frustrating moments,I had to remind myself of what my husband said to me, time and time again. E said, 'She will be a little baby for such a short time. When it is gone, it is gone for ever. Try to enjoy it while we still can'. How true now when I look back...

I was really lucky to get a job with the University of Michigan, the College of Dentistry. I was supposed to go back to work after 2 months (mat leave is close to nothing in the U.S.), and she was supposed to go to the university daycare, whose waiting list I put her on when she was only a weeks old fetus. The the time came and I realized just how badly I underestimated the power of mothering hormones. I had a dream one night. In the dream I woke up one morning and could not find my baby. I was running around and asking everyone where my baby was. Finally one woman told me that V grew up over one night and left already. I broke down completely and I woke myself up sobbing.The biggest regret of my life has always been that there isn't a strong bond between me and my mom. I would not want it to happen to my daughter and me. So I decided to take a year or so off from work, and I have become a stay-at-home-mom ever since. I am a first time mom and am trying to do the best for my baby. I am far from perfect as a person, let alone a mother. I just want to be there when she wakes up, when she looks around, when she is hungry, tired, hurt, or just wants mommy. I'd like to build her a strong foundation of self confidence and sense of security, which initially comes from parents for everyone. I know from personal experience when it is missing from early on, it would take years of war with oneself to build it up again.

(tbc)

Mommy and Baby

My Italian Summer - Venice maybe

I've had such difficult time writing about Venice. So I have decided I am not going to do it. I am sure 100 people would have 100 different impressions of Venice. If I describe the most beautiful woman in the world to you in words, would you be satisfied? You just have to see it with your own eyes. Venice was magical. It was the perfect ending of my midsummer night's dream, the perfect ending my fleeting youth...

My Reproduction and Me - Part 2

On Children

Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let our bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

(tbc...)

My Italian Summer - Florance, a midsummer night's dream

I rolled into Florance on one of the hottest summer days. For the following three days I got a very good understanding of what "under the Tuscan sun" really meant. Actually I was physically quiet close to it too.

When I saw my hotel room I started to realize how I got it so cheap for a 3 star hotel. I was put in the penthouse suite - the attic! Honestly when I open the door to my room I thought it was a closet. All I could see was a set of steep steps going up. The room was burning under the thin roof. There was one big machine that was supposed to be the air conditioning in the middle of the room, which blew nothing but warm wind. I took about 5 showers a day, and I hand-washed my clothes just as many times, which went completely dry after 20 minutes. I went out early morning everyday, came back to take a long nap during the hottest hours, and went out again after sunset. Does it sound bad? Don't let me fool you because I got a room with a view! When the sun was gone and the moon was up, when the cool midsummer night's wind gently blowing through the window, when Florance in the moonlight was under my eyes, it was all worthwhile.

One reason other than the heat that got me to get up early everyday was the church bells. Every morning around 7:00 I was woken up by the church bells' ringing. It seemed like all the church bells in town went off at the same time. My eyes were closed and my ears were ringing, but somehow there was this strange feeling of being at peace.

Florance is compact size. After wandering through small streets and half day at the Uffizi, I felt I could really use an emergency feet amputation. I decided right then and there that I was done with walking, at least for a while. For the rest of my time in Florance I picked a different piazza every day/night, sitting in cafes, on patios usually with a glass of house wine, and watching ordinary people's life has never failed to amuse me. Once I saw two men arguing in the middle of the piazza, one in Spanish and one in Italian. Apparently they had no trouble hurting each other's feelings.

When you are traveling solo you get to meet more people. I met a psychic woman from Australia who drank alot, danced alot, and told me how the world was going to end soon and how much better French men could flirt. Another Italian guy, Florance local, who has a PhD in Greek and Italian architecture but creates websites during the day and plays guitar in a band at night. People including yourself seem to be more interesting when you are on the road alone.

On my last night in Florence, I went to Piazza Signoria. The nightly wind was cooling down, so I put on the red and gold shawl I bought earlier that day (for 10 euro and a fake leather bag for 20 were all the shopping I did in Europe. For god's sake, I didn't go to Europe to shop!), and bought my daily gelato. I sat down at the feet of David and took off my shoes. The sky was diamond blue. Suddenly the music came on. One of the street musician was playing Shubert's Serenade with flute. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath knowing this would be the perfect midsummer night's dream of mine...

My hotel key


View of my room at the door

View from top of the stairs

View from my hotel window

My room and the hot wind only air conditioning machine

Some strange people I met

The very shy room service guy at the hotel

Italian polices are equipped with the best leather goods

Piazza at night

David at night

Lovely wood shop

My Reproduction and Me - Part 1

I admit I am not a maternal person. Just the other day one friend of mine from my ex-ex-ex job reminded me that back then my famous line was 'I don't believe in reproduction'. Somehow I feel I should explain a little, not excusing, just explaining and just a little...

I believe that every or at least most human behavior services the ultimate purpose of reproduction that ensures the existence of the human specie. I never dare to underestimate the power of billion years of evolution. It doesn't give a damn about how free-spirited, independent-thinking you credit yourself are. All it ever cares is survival, more mutations, better, stronger, more fitted genes. It carves all these in your genes, hard-wires your brain. Oh is it ever sneaky. It sends out the nature calls and sets the biological clock ticking ever so loudly in middle of the nights and at your weakest moments. It shoots your hormones through the roof, makes your eyes watery and melts your heart. It not only leaves you no choice but also makes you believe this greatest idea is all YOURS, the best thing you have ever done, the true meaning of your life, and that missing piece of your incomplete life is finally there.

I never even thought about fighting it. I never was against reproduction. All I have ever been is indifferent. I could go either way. I really don't give a hoot. My husband wants kids, 1 vote vs. 0, so there you go. I only had one request. I had to go to Italy first. That's how I made peace with life, and that was done. Now here I am, 26 weeks into the battle at the sweet old age of 34. I cannot sleep. I cannot eat. I cannot climb stairs without breathing like a dog with rabies. Here I am, with a silly smile on my face every time she secretively moves from the lower corner of my tummy to the upper one, which is proximately at my throat. Here I am, end of the discussion.

My Italian Summer - Rome, wondrously chaotic

If you are a fan of the classic black and white movie, the Roman Holiday, like I am, you would know how it feels like to have Rome always on your mind.

If you think Vienna airport is unorganized, then Rome's is absolutely crazy. It took me 3 hours to find my luggage in Rome international airport. The train platform was packed with people with puzzled look. I hopped on a train praying it would take me to the main terminal in the city, and I was lucky that day.

When i was dragging my little suit case through streets on my way to the hotel, I was tired, thirty, semi-lost and happy. I was surrounded by strange places filled with strange people speaking strange languages, and for the first time I didn't feel like a stranger. Rome was big, dirty and noisy. Streets were packed with homicidal and suicidal drivers and pedestrians. People were rude and loud. All of these kind of made me smile to myself and think, 'this is just like home'.

I am not a huge natural beauty appreciator. I mean I think they are beautiful, the mountains, the ocean, the trees and the beaches. Honestly I almost hate beaches. It relaxes me, and it bores me to death at the same time. I love cities, cultures, civilizations, people and their lives, languages, history, humanity.... I need to learn something I don't already know all the time to stay awake. Italy is the perfect place for me. Did I forget food? Oh yeah, food is very important to me. As a Chinese I am a natural food snob. The reason I never was temped enough to go to England is I haven't seen/heard one dish there that makes me droll. I mean who the heck eat Yorkshire pudding? the salty, deep fried nothingness! I didn't go to any fancy restaurants in Italy. I stayed alive with all the street food or things from the small shops. I believe I could be a vegetarian and still be happy in there. I find Italian food almost as comforting as Chinese food to me.

I had bought a pair of flat walking shoes before I took off for Europe. Somehow I still underestimated the walking part. I planned the trip so hellishly, so that I didn't need to take a taxi at all. For the 3 days I was in Rome, I walked more than all the walk together I had done in my entire life. At the end of the each day, I could not even stand on my feet. I had to soak them in the cold water to get the burning pain off. Most of the time I didn't really have a destination. I wandered through streets, sitting down on stone steps watching the fountains and people passing by. Rome unlike other famous tourist cities in Italy, like Florence or Vinnece, it has a life of its own. Too bad I didn't get to see much of it for staying so short.

I have to admit there was disappointment. I was kind of hoping to see more of the Roman's Rome, the Rome through Julius Caesar's eyes, the Rome that belonged to the Jupiter and Venus worshiping people, the civilization that had a strong Greek root, the pre-Christianity time. Most of it was gone. Anything beautiful has been turned into a church. When I heard that the the bronze that was used to built the gigantic altar in St. Peter's was 'borrowed' from the The Pantheon, 'the temple of all gods', I was almost angry, although now the Pantheon itself is a church. People have built all sorts of monuments with hope to reach eternity, but who has touched more souls and who would be remembered by most people for the longest time? Do people come here from all over the world year after year to see St. Peter's? the Pope? or Michelangelo?!

The high light of my days in Rome would be the time I spent licking my chocolate gelato sitting on top of the Spanish Steps wondering if I would spot a lost Princess in the warm sunset in this beautiful, romantic, ancient city.

Rome is so chaotically wondrous, and I wish it would never change a bit.



I am not going to show you any picture of any thing that is in any post cards...

My hotel key

My hotel washroom. When I was washing my hair, my elbows were actually outside the shower.

Resting in front of the Pantheon

Some random forgotten courtyard I accidentally walked in

Guess when Italian want to exit, they really mean it!



Before...

...After...

My Italian Summer - Vienna, the city of kings and queens

Due to some big changes in my life, I am going to try to finish the European posts ASAP! Just in case you are curious, yes, if everything goes well I will be a mom in July :P


When I arrived in Vienna, it was raining pretty hard. My friends met me at the airport. It was just the greatest to see them.

To be close to my friends, I stayed in a small B&B in the 10th district, which happened to be in the middle of a Turkish neighborhood. The B&B was located on a busy pedestrian street. Suffering from the jetlag I woke up everyday around 5am. I picked a different café every morning for some pastries and a cup of cappuccino (I wasn't ready for the espresso shot yet at that point :P). Venetians love their pastries. There are usually more than 50 different kind including more than 10 different type of croissants. The cappuccino cup is a bit bigger than the cup for coffee, but it is still miniature comparing to the coffee cups used in North America. This reminds me of a Chinese saying. Chinese tea cups are usually small, kind of like the Italian espresso size. For Chinese tea lovers, drinking one cup is for enjoyment, 2 cups is for thirst, and drinking 3 cups is called watering the donkey. The whole time I was in Europe I didn't see once, not even once, that someone was drinking coffee out of a paper cup and walking around. They somehow always manage to find the 5 minutes to enjoy a small cup of good coffee.

One morning I was sitting in a patio of a café across the street from a very modest looking community church. I saw people coming and going, lighting up candles and having their little chat with their God. I stepped in for a second. No matter how 'community' and modest it looked, like all old churches in Europe, it still gave me the feeling of well aged beauty, the heaviness of history or just time. According to the old folks sitting on the bench outside (another interesting thing is all the benches are always occupied in Vienna and in Italy. People enjoy sitting down in the sun and relax.), the church was more than 200 years old. See, this is the thing about Europe. They can casually kick some dirt off their shoes and tell you it is more than couple hundred years old. It isn't unlike China.

I didn't do much tourist things in Vienna because I wanted to spent as much time as possible with my friends. Vienna would not even be on my list if not for that. We still went to the 1st district though. That's where most of the historical sites are. I had to admit that I was severely over dosed on European churches on this trip, but if I had to make a pick, it would be the Gothic ones. They certainly captures the soul of religion. It definitely evoke the emotion of fear, respect and passion that sits heavily on your chest and takes your breath away no matter you are religious or not.

I managed to find couple of hours to go to a concert by the Mozart Orchestra in the Great Hall. I accidentally walked in the a Sand in the City party, drinking spritzer in the sunset. I heard beautiful music. I had great food. My eyes were getting blind for seeing so many splendid things. Still, something was missing. Don't get me wrong. Vienna is breathtakingly beautiful, elegant, and grandeur. I couldn't figure it out until I was in Italy. It went, 'ah, this is home...'.

My Italian Summer - Not There Yet

I've lived in Canada for more than 1o years, and I've met less than 10 rude people. Lucky for me at the beginning of the trip I just happened to meet the rudest person ever at the Vancouver airport. For whatever reasons I couldn't remember, I lined up in the wrong line. When the ticket lady at the counter realized that she asked me in a high pitch tone if I COULD read. I usually could come up with some kind of quick combat, but this time I was simply too shocked to speak. She works for the biggest and the snobbiest Germany airline. I will make sure I will NEVER have anything to do with them.

My flight to Vienna stopped over in Dusseldorf, Germany. I don't know why I was nervous about that (the ticket lady certainly didn't help!). It might have had something to do with the Olympic drama. Germany and France topped the chart of anti-China/Chinese as always. I was so nervous, and I wasn't even a Jew! Maybe God wanted to teach me a lesson or something, and I ended up sitting beside just about the sweetest German girl. She was a beautiful girl with blond hair and blue eyes, a fresh grad with a mater degree in veterinary medicine from Cologne. After the North American trip, she was about to start her job at Beyer. We talked about everything. Once she found out my stone-age crush on Klinsmann she grabbed all the sports magazines on the plane (they were all in German, and man oh man that guy was in in almost all of them), and tried to translate everything about him for me. At the end of the trip I was almost in love with her.

Traveling with in the European Union is way easier than within North America. I didn't see any German immigration officers at the entry point, and the customs officers were too bored to even look at you. I had 4 hours to kill, so I walked my German friend to her train station. After that I spent hours struggling with the European pay phones with no luck. Dusseldorf was a gray industrial city. Mountains of people were smoking outside the arrival gate. I could feel the weather was very mainland-ish. By the time I left it started to rain.

My Italian Summer - Getting There

I realize if I don't write it down soon I would forget. Right now I am sitting in front of my computer somewhere in the Midwest, USA. It was only couple of months ago, though it feels like a dream when I think about it now, or the past life. I don't want to forget. It has been the best summer of my life.

Everyone has a dream place, a place she/he has been dreaming of always but never been. Some people don't know where it is until they see it. Some people keep changing the idea along the way. For me, it has always been Italy. I have this rule with myself, that I am not going to have kids until I see Italy with my own eyes. It is my psychological and emotional bottom line of compromise with life.

During the height of all the drama, the wedding, packing, cleaning, moving, and all that crazy shit, my only sanctuary was planning the trip because unlike everything else that was going on this one was mine, and mine only. As a control freak and a chicken, I planed the hell out of it. The planning was almost as fun of going there, just imagining all the possibilities, the places and people I would see and meet. I also knew I would be in the strange world with strange custom and language. Knowing as much as possible might help me to save some trouble or maybe even my life.

The only sad thing is I lost my camera in Vienna. So I have nothing to show you visually before Rome. As how my friends from Vienna put it, "The only way to make it up is for you to come back again'. They were probably right.

Wedding

Before the tea ceremony there was the ancestor worship ceremony. After bowing to the sky, the earth and the ancestors, someone whispered 'they are married now'. This is the traditional Chinese way. With permission from the ancestors and the parents, with the sky and the earth as your witness, you are married. That's all you need.

Many people have asked me how it feels like to be married. It didn't feel any different at the beginning. After the crowd's gone and all the noise's subsided, the feeling's started to become clear. How should I put it? It is like sipping a cup hot chocolate on a cold winter day, soothing, warm and sweet...

Isn't that wonderful that the person you love loves you too?! Isn't that wonderful that now the searching is over?! Isn't that wonderful that you will never have to wonder if you miss out on each other?! Life will still do its best at throwing ups and downs at you, but at least you know you won't have to face it alone.

Yeah, that's how it feels like.







For more wedding picture please go here

Hilarious football moments (I say football and I meant it)!

Football is not easy. The good, the bad, the ugly, and even the great ones all fall on their faces...sometimes...

An Italian Summer

I couldn't believe it when I came cross this song online. Suddenly all the memories came back to life. There was a summer 18 years ago I woke up every night in this song. Till today it was still the happiest summer of my life. You young kids probably only remember Ricky Martin's Cup of Life. Call me old, but you have no idea how magical that Italian summer was...

Euro 2008 is on. The summer is still young, and the game is still beautiful as ever...

So Depressed

I have been so depressed lately...

I have been lying around...





I have been leaning around...





I have been hiding in my small shell...



I have been up side down...



I have been bending my head against the wall...



even tried meditating...








I have turned my back on the world...







... so depressed ...

BITCH! (please excuse my language this once)

I've seen the karma theory many times lately. You can find them after every piece of news of China earthquake on most news websites (CNN, BBC, CBC...). Google it up and you will see just in case you don't believe me (why should you believe me? I am from Red China). Every time I see it I tell myself 'don't get angry, don't get angry'. By now I am not angry at all. Most of these messages come from two groups of people, Fa Lun Gong and Free-Tibet. I am sure you have met them if you ever drive by Chinese consulates anywhere in the world at any given moment. The comments usually start with 'I am Tibetan. I am sorry for the victims of the earthquake, but I can't help feeling...'. Well, these tow groups are not exactly famous of their 'scientific approach', but it is not what bothers me. It is the coldness that they are almost happy it happened. There was a five-day stand off in NYC between Fa Lun Gong people and Chinese (actually FLG people are 100% Chinese too) over if 70K Chinese deserved to die (it is over all youtube).

What they are famous of is the greatest frase in human history 'Human Rights'. It is a bit ironic to me. It kind of reminds me of the case that someone murders abortion doctors in the name of pro-life. No, it is more like people who think it is right and are happy that others are murdered because they are abortion doctors. You can say I am a brain washed Chinese and I don't know human rights. Maybe you are right. Maybe I don't understand your definition of human rights. Personally I find it very hard to believe that the people who have no respect for lives would really give a damn about human right. To me the very basic human rights is to be alive.

The video below is the reporter from Sichuan TV station reporting the death tolls of all the districts. Aba District is a Tibetan self-governed district in Sichuan (kind of like the Native reserves in Canada). By 4pm of May 17th, 2140 plus died in that district. For those who claim to care so much about Tibet and Tibetans, this is the time for you to dig deep into you pockets and help out. Even if it is just for Aba district (you can put it as the restriction on your donation), we would still be very grateful. Living Buddha, care to share some of your CIA funded PR money? Oh, another humble piece of advise, if you would like to help out like Ms. Stone mentioned in the video, it would work out better to notify us instead of her.




As you could see in the video, the reporter was trying very hard not to cry on live TV. I feel China as a nation has been going through steps of depression. First it came the shock, then disbelief, stabbing heartache, anxiety and quilt for not being able to help. Everyone was on the verge of tears everyday. People were crying and laughing every time the new death toll came out and when one more person was pulled out alive. Now people are ultra-touchy; emotion is running high, and lots of people are angry. China, please hold on. We can't let some hell bent souls make us bitter. There are still millions of homeless, thousands of orphans... It is not the time to fall apart. Go China Go!

Mourning

National Mourning across China at 14:28, May 19, 2008


(please turn the volume down)

The busy nation paused for 3 minutes. The sound of siren and horn echoed through out the entire country. It is our way to say good-bye to the 50,000 plus family members we lost, to let the sorrow out, to turn it into hope and strength. We will remember the dead, help the survived, and build new, better and stronger homes and schools for the future.



ps. The Red Cross urgently needs more tents, formulas and medicine. Please help us...