The Story of V - Part 2

 

When V was only a 7 weeks old fetus I had a bleeding episode. It wasn't the normal spotting. It was the fresh blood gushing  bleeding. I remember I sat at the edge of the bed waiting for the nurse to call me back. There was only one thought going through my mind, "I've lost it'. I was pretty calm. At that point that whole pregnancy, parenting thing hadn't set in yet.

Next day I went for an emergency ultrasound. I was lying on the table not being able to see anything. In the middle of nowhere the technician turned the speaker on. Suddenly the small dark room was filling with a loud rushing-whooshing sound. I was puzzled for a second and then I realized it was the sound of the heart beat. I had to fight the tears so hard while the technician was still in the room. I was utterly grateful at that moment. She was a little trooper. She was holding on so tight. I knew it was her way of telling me ' mommy, I am still here'...

I have been a lucky person my entire life, not the winning the lottery type of luck, but I somehow always manage to get that little bit last minute luck. 

I didn't bond with V at the first. E and my mom fell head over heels in love with her at the first sight. I've been struggling with postpartum complications. It's getting much better now, but I am still not free from it yet. For a while my blood pressure was 200/100, my blood sugar level was all over the place, and my thyroid hormones was off the chart, which sent my anxiety level and my temper through the roof. But you should never ever underestimate evolution! When the motherly love comes, it comes in full force.

I often wonder what I have done to deserve a baby like V. To me she is simply perfect, exceeding my expectation in every way. You might think I sound shameless. I think I just got lucky :)


tbc...

The Story of V - Part 1

I have been a lazy mom. Other than quoting poet, posting pictures, I haven't written any post about my baby girl. She is 7-month old today. So here, the compressed version...

The Story of V

The summer one year before Vienna was born I was walking around in Vienna, Austria by myself. The city was so dear to me for so many reasons, and I also noticed it had such a beautiful sounding name...

Vienna was born on Canada Day, 12 days before her due date. She seemed to be making a statement of her Canadian root. The United States is her birth place, Canada is her father's, and China is her mother's. She is a lucky girl. She was born with so much love already. I hope in her heart there is a special place for each of these great counties.

When she was in my tummy, I always thought she was a boy (talking about mother's instinct), because she would not stop jumping. Actually she didn't even stop when we were at the birthing center, which was the reason I had to get c-section. It was proven to be the right decision because when I was cut open half of her foot was already outside of my cervix.

Parenthood is something that no matter how prepared you think you are, it will still hit you like tons of bricks. At some most depressing, frustrating moments,I had to remind myself of what my husband said to me, time and time again. E said, 'She will be a little baby for such a short time. When it is gone, it is gone for ever. Try to enjoy it while we still can'. How true now when I look back...

I was really lucky to get a job with the University of Michigan, the College of Dentistry. I was supposed to go back to work after 2 months (mat leave is close to nothing in the U.S.), and she was supposed to go to the university daycare, whose waiting list I put her on when she was only a weeks old fetus. The the time came and I realized just how badly I underestimated the power of mothering hormones. I had a dream one night. In the dream I woke up one morning and could not find my baby. I was running around and asking everyone where my baby was. Finally one woman told me that V grew up over one night and left already. I broke down completely and I woke myself up sobbing.The biggest regret of my life has always been that there isn't a strong bond between me and my mom. I would not want it to happen to my daughter and me. So I decided to take a year or so off from work, and I have become a stay-at-home-mom ever since. I am a first time mom and am trying to do the best for my baby. I am far from perfect as a person, let alone a mother. I just want to be there when she wakes up, when she looks around, when she is hungry, tired, hurt, or just wants mommy. I'd like to build her a strong foundation of self confidence and sense of security, which initially comes from parents for everyone. I know from personal experience when it is missing from early on, it would take years of war with oneself to build it up again.

(tbc)